Mea culpa, Mea culpa, Mea maxima culpa

Its not a thing that I can easily forget. Not a thing that I can disclose. It is definitely not a thing I would want to discuss. Why? Because my ego does not want to bow down before you. But today, in my colosseum walled of ego, I won a battle with myself, brought the wall down.

Quite philosophical eh? No. Not really. The incident is awful. A situation which has happened to most of us. Atleast to one of you reading this. I do not want to make it spicy by naming the person. For me, its the the first time and I pray this is the last. As toddlers, we play, make mistakes, fight and what? We say “sorry” and get back to playing. As we get older, by older I mean as old as twenty and thirty, we still play, make mistakes, fight and what?? Period.

Lets get this short and quick. An unusual stressful day of a programmer at office. (Don’t think I typed it wrong when I said ‘unusual’, for me work means doing something I love and I rarely get stressed out at office). I was thrown into a bagful of Crash Reports. Not one or two but more than ten. A sticky situation when you can figure out nothing from lines and lines and lines of what looks like complete absurdity. Random numbers strewn all over the screen. Blink. Blink. I feel a feeble but familiar treble on my desk. It was my phone ringing. I did not want to pick up the call. Then came a “Bling”. Argh! “Bling” “Bling”..  Messages! “Please come out”, it said. I was agitated and irritated and was so not in a mood to reply or pick up calls. I typed in a message saying I was busy and cannot come out.Few minutes later. Knock Knock. My friend was at my office door. Shocked and angry, I just lost my temper. She had come to collect the something from me. The Hulk in me woke up. And in the anger, I sweared. Two words just slipped out of my mouth. It came out before I could stop it. I could not do anything now. I’m not a person who swears under any circumstances. I feel it is degrading to vent out frustrations through words and I just degraded myself. She went back home. I was back at my desk, red as a turnip. I had the most sickening feeling and a stone in my heart. It was purely unintentional and unnecessary. But what could I do now! The moment had already passed and I could not time travel.

I went back to my kinder-garden lessons. 5 magic words. “Please”, “Thank you”, “Excuse-me”, “Welcome” and “I’m sorry”. Yes, apologize. And it proved to be even more difficult. I typed in two messages, later discarded. The knot in my stomach tightened and the guilt spread like cancer. I do not know, what held me back for 5 minutes before I could gather the letters and type “I’m sorry”. After typing it, another 2 minutes for me to decide to press the Ok button. I felt as if I’m the pole around which a rope is passed and my two alternative selfs holding the ends. The obvious part of me screamed “Send it and end it!!!!!” while the not so obvious part of me yelled “Why should you! You informed you are busy, it not your fault”. As they both argued pulling the rope towards themselves, the rope around me tightened. Enough!!! I pressed Ok. Instantly the knot in my stomach lightened, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde disappeared. I felt better.I met her in person., apologized directly. Followed by the spilling of the human emotion. Sniff.. Sniff..I was surprised at myself for the reluctance I showed in accepting it was my fault. I had no reasons to become the monster which spat fire. I desperately wanted to take back my words, it felt ugly. But alas! a spoken word once cast can never be recalled. All I had to do was to accept that it is my fault, my fault, my my most grievous fault and by doing so I broke free. .  from my own chains of guilt.Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa. . .

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